Drawn-Out Memories
“Alex, that was a good session,” Councilor Valerie Atwood said as she looked up from her drawing pad. “I think you opened up a bit more for me.”
Alex fidgeted in her chair with a dozen different thoughts swimming around in her head. She hated how open she had to be here. She just wasn't used to being so free with her thoughts with anyone other than Joni and, well, lately Nova.
“Really?” she replied with worry.
Councilor Atwood nodded back as she looked at what she had drawn during the pair's chat. “Seems you are trying to put me out of work, Alex,” she said with a slight dry wit as she turned her pad around for Alex to see.
Alex stared at the picture and then raised up her glasses to make sure she saw it correctly. The drawing showed Alex in a formal dress, sitting with a notepad behind Joni, who was lying back on a salon couch talking. It was creepily similar to a classic photo of Sigmund Freud she had seen once.
Valerie watched Alex closely for the young girl's reaction and then looked back at the picture. She noted of a line of Alex's friends waiting for a turn on the couch: Nova was next in line, then Jacob, Malcolm after him, and then a girl dressed in black with a worn, torn trench coat and white hair.
“So what do you make of this line, Alex?”
“Er... I like helping others?”
Councilor Atwood nodded. “And?”
“And?...” Alex echoed, unsure of what Valerie wanted her to say.
“And, why do you feel like you need to be your friends' second psychologist?”
“Oh....” Alex remained silent for a moment, then took a deep breath. “It helps me. It helps me not feel so bad about all the crap that's happened to me.”
“I see.... Just make sure you're their friend first. They need their friend Alex more than they need will ever need Councilor Dutchman.”
Alex nodded slowly.
“That said,” Councilor Atwood noted smiling, “I do think you have helped Joni and Jacob more than you know. Just make sure you keep doing it because you're their friend and not just because you want to fix them.”
She turned her attention back to her drawing. “Who's this?” she asked, pointing to the figure in the back of the line.”I don't believe I've seen much of her.”
“Oh? That's Kierin.”
“Nova's girlfriend, right?”
“Um... His old one.”
Councilor Atwood frowned sightly but managed to hide most of her disapproval of Nova's bouncing from girl to girl.
“Er... Valerie?” Alex added, suddenly nervous. “She's been here four months and told me that she hasn't seen you or Doctor Conrads."
The older woman didn't bother hiding her frown this time.
“I hope you're making a bad joke, Alex.”
Alex shook her head. “She doesn't want to go either.”
Valerie looked at the clock on the wall and mentally sighed. Alex wasn't known for lying. If she was quick, she just have time to catch Gemini before her next appointment.
“I think it's best if we end a little early, Alex. We'll talk more about talk about your image's clothing choice next time.”
Alex sighed and nodded. She gathered up her book bag, turned back on the school comm and a couple gadgets her dad had made for her, and left.
----------
Alex sighed as she walked to the dining hall. She knew a storm was coming and her name wasn't going to be Jessiy. All she could do was pretend everything was okay until she either saw Kierin or Kierin found out. Alex really hoped it was the first one.
Without provocation, paper and other loose items in the hallway began to move around her. A locker door that someone had forgotten to close completely banged on its hinges.
“Alex!” Kierin's voice screamed with anger. “I told you I could do this by myself!”
“Drat!” Alex thought as she put a hand down to keep the kilt of her uniform from flying up. “Second one.”
She stood as the corridor seemed to get a bit darker, ready to take whatever Kierin would throw at her. “I know, but you need really need this.”
“I know what I need, Alex! I need to be left alone! I need to do this myself!”
“I'm sorry,” Alex said, putting up her personal force field to shield against the chilling wind, “but you really should go. Kierin... I think you need to go.”
Alex plaused.
" I tried to get you to go...," Alex said as she looked down at the floor.
Kierin studied Alex for a second, then turned around with a look of betrayal on her face and walked away.
Alex sighed.
Drawn-Out Memories
Moderator: Student Council
Drawn-Out Memories, Part 2
I walked toward the counseling office slowly. I was dimly aware of the people running past me toward their next class. By the time the bell rang and the halls were emptying out, I was still walking, staring at the ground. After all the times I had told Alex that I wanted to uncover my own past, deal with my own problems, she had gone and told the councilors about me. I felt drained of hope. Everything was falling apart around me. All my control was being torn from my grip, and I felt that I should just keep walking out of the school and out of Paragon, as if I could somehow find my old life waiting for me again.
I didn't leave. I turned down the hall that brought me to the office of Valerie Atwood. I sighed, and knocked on the door.
The woman looked up at me from a pad of paper, tearing off the top sheet and setting it aside. "Kierin! Nice to finally meet you." A small smile crossed her face. "You're a little late."
I sat on the couch, facing her. "I didn't hurry."
She nodded. "Yes, I can see that. Lucky for us I left a little extra time, so we can still have a full session. Our first session, incidentally… you've been here since October, and you haven't been to see myself or Conrads. No hurry indeed."
I stiffened. "I don't feel I need help, Ms. Atwood."
She waved her hand, smiling. "Oh, call me Valerie when we're in session. As for help… if you don't need it, this is simply a formality. Though it may benefit you to have someone else to talk to about things."
"I already talk to my friends."
Valerie smiled. "Sometimes an adult can offer more than a peer. We've had more experience, you know." Her hand rested on the pad of paper, the pencil between her fingers still.
I sighed. "Can we just get this over with?"
Valerie raised an eyebrow. "Please, Kierin… I have no desire to start anything drastic; I just want to talk with you a little bit."
"...I know..."
"…Well, then, let's start with why you haven't been to see anyone. I know you fell between the cracks somehow, but you must have heard that all students were supposed to check in every so often. Why didn't you come forward?"
I frowned. "I don't want someone else to deal with my problems. I have enough time to think, and I'm not insane or stupid. I can take care of things."
Valerie nodded slowly. "I can understand that… however… simply not needing help doesn't seem to be the full issue. It's not too much trouble to sit in here for a little while, and the school had to threaten you with suspension to get you to finally see me."
I grimaced, clenching my fists. There was no way I wanted to lay my thoughts out for this woman, kind though she was. At that point I wanted to be alone more than anything. Wind started to blow, the papers in the room rippling ever so slightly.
The councilor sighed. "Kierin… I just need to understand a few things, and if you don't need me I can simply send you on your way. But I need you to trust me before I can help you. I promise, I have done this for a long time and will treat you with the same care and respect as any of my patients."
I averted my eyes, and leaned on my elbows. "I need to solve any problems I have myself."
She noticed the change. "Need to?"
"A lot of my life is dictated by outside forces… I'm loosing my grip on what has until recently belonged unquestionably to me."
She slowly began scratching her pencil against the paper, eyes half closed looking at me. "Well, you're certainly articulate when you do speak up. What outside forces are you referring to?"
"The Sky… a magic spirit, which is what gave me my powers. It sometimes puts thoughts into my head and sees it as acceptable to give me orders… though I guess that doesn't happen too often. But I wouldn't have joined the CVC if the Sky hadn't told me to."
"I see. Do you dislike Vanguard?"
"Not at all. I simply wouldn't have chosen to join them on my own."
She nodded, her pencil still scribbling across the page. "So, as I understand it, you felt this would be further loss of control over your life."
I nodded. "I feel like I'm starting to loose pieces of myself to the Sky already. I don't want to loose more to someone else trying to fix problems in my head."
Valerie smiled. "Well, Kierin… then think of it this way. I'm not trying to solve your problems, just help you get a better grip on them. I'm helping you help yourself, essentially. In the end, only you can solve the mysteries of your own mind. I'm just another step to the answers…"
Hearing it from her was different than I had expected. I shrugged, still not looking at her, but for different reasons now. "…Fine…" There was nothing I could do anyway. I would attempt to retain as much control as I could; I didn't want to deal with the consequences of refusing to see her.
"You have your own unique problems to face. As long as you try to move forward, you are doing all you can do."
I looked up at her, finally. "I… I've been trying… but it hasn't been working…"
She smiled gently. "So maybe I can give you a hand."
Valerie finally looked down at her finished drawing, and a puzzled look passed over her face. "What's this now?" She turned the pad to me.
I shrugged. It was a picture of me getting off a bus. It looked like it was dark, with a lamp illuminating the sidewalk I was stepping onto. "It's… me. And a bus."
She nodded. "I can see that. Is there anything special about this picture to you? Look closely now…"
I frowned. There was something about it that bothered me…
It didn't take long for me to realize what was strange. I was wearing my leather clothes that I had received just before leaving home. The problem was that they weren't worn as they had been when I arrived.
I could feel my heart speed up.
I leaned forward and took the picture, examining it closer. I could see a little bit of the surrounding area, but I didn't recognize any of it. It wasn't any place near my home, yet it wasn't in Paragon either. And I was wearing that outfit… It was between.
I could feel the wind spiraling gently around me. "H…how did you do this?"
"I have the ability to draw images based on things in your mind. Is this picture significant somehow?"
I stared, daring to believe she had done what I thought. "This is from what I don't remember. Can you really draw what I don't even…" I trailed off, still staring, trying to pick up every detail I could. The bus driver was frowning at me as I stepped down. Wind was catching the tail of my coat and flinging it, as well as my hair, out to the side.
"…Kierin. You don't remember this?"
"I've lost my memories of what happened between leaving my house in California and arriving at Paragon."
The councilor's eyes widened. "Goodness, you should have come to me sooner. My drawings can come from your subconscious; I'm sure I can help you get your memories back."
"…Do you really think you can do that?"
"I think it's certainly worth a try."
I nodded grudgingly. If I was going to accept Valerie's help, I might as well use as much as I could. I finally handed the picture back to her, rubbing my eyes and yawning.
Valerie smiled a little. "Tired?"
I looked away. "Clouded."
"What do you mean?"
I sighed. I was sick of explaining this; it was hard to explain and no one seemed to really understand anyway. "It's kind of a long story."
Valerie leaned back in her chair, folding back the paper for a new sheet. She smiled as she picked up her pencil again. "We have plenty of time, Kierin."
I didn't leave. I turned down the hall that brought me to the office of Valerie Atwood. I sighed, and knocked on the door.
The woman looked up at me from a pad of paper, tearing off the top sheet and setting it aside. "Kierin! Nice to finally meet you." A small smile crossed her face. "You're a little late."
I sat on the couch, facing her. "I didn't hurry."
She nodded. "Yes, I can see that. Lucky for us I left a little extra time, so we can still have a full session. Our first session, incidentally… you've been here since October, and you haven't been to see myself or Conrads. No hurry indeed."
I stiffened. "I don't feel I need help, Ms. Atwood."
She waved her hand, smiling. "Oh, call me Valerie when we're in session. As for help… if you don't need it, this is simply a formality. Though it may benefit you to have someone else to talk to about things."
"I already talk to my friends."
Valerie smiled. "Sometimes an adult can offer more than a peer. We've had more experience, you know." Her hand rested on the pad of paper, the pencil between her fingers still.
I sighed. "Can we just get this over with?"
Valerie raised an eyebrow. "Please, Kierin… I have no desire to start anything drastic; I just want to talk with you a little bit."
"...I know..."
"…Well, then, let's start with why you haven't been to see anyone. I know you fell between the cracks somehow, but you must have heard that all students were supposed to check in every so often. Why didn't you come forward?"
I frowned. "I don't want someone else to deal with my problems. I have enough time to think, and I'm not insane or stupid. I can take care of things."
Valerie nodded slowly. "I can understand that… however… simply not needing help doesn't seem to be the full issue. It's not too much trouble to sit in here for a little while, and the school had to threaten you with suspension to get you to finally see me."
I grimaced, clenching my fists. There was no way I wanted to lay my thoughts out for this woman, kind though she was. At that point I wanted to be alone more than anything. Wind started to blow, the papers in the room rippling ever so slightly.
The councilor sighed. "Kierin… I just need to understand a few things, and if you don't need me I can simply send you on your way. But I need you to trust me before I can help you. I promise, I have done this for a long time and will treat you with the same care and respect as any of my patients."
I averted my eyes, and leaned on my elbows. "I need to solve any problems I have myself."
She noticed the change. "Need to?"
"A lot of my life is dictated by outside forces… I'm loosing my grip on what has until recently belonged unquestionably to me."
She slowly began scratching her pencil against the paper, eyes half closed looking at me. "Well, you're certainly articulate when you do speak up. What outside forces are you referring to?"
"The Sky… a magic spirit, which is what gave me my powers. It sometimes puts thoughts into my head and sees it as acceptable to give me orders… though I guess that doesn't happen too often. But I wouldn't have joined the CVC if the Sky hadn't told me to."
"I see. Do you dislike Vanguard?"
"Not at all. I simply wouldn't have chosen to join them on my own."
She nodded, her pencil still scribbling across the page. "So, as I understand it, you felt this would be further loss of control over your life."
I nodded. "I feel like I'm starting to loose pieces of myself to the Sky already. I don't want to loose more to someone else trying to fix problems in my head."
Valerie smiled. "Well, Kierin… then think of it this way. I'm not trying to solve your problems, just help you get a better grip on them. I'm helping you help yourself, essentially. In the end, only you can solve the mysteries of your own mind. I'm just another step to the answers…"
Hearing it from her was different than I had expected. I shrugged, still not looking at her, but for different reasons now. "…Fine…" There was nothing I could do anyway. I would attempt to retain as much control as I could; I didn't want to deal with the consequences of refusing to see her.
"You have your own unique problems to face. As long as you try to move forward, you are doing all you can do."
I looked up at her, finally. "I… I've been trying… but it hasn't been working…"
She smiled gently. "So maybe I can give you a hand."
Valerie finally looked down at her finished drawing, and a puzzled look passed over her face. "What's this now?" She turned the pad to me.
I shrugged. It was a picture of me getting off a bus. It looked like it was dark, with a lamp illuminating the sidewalk I was stepping onto. "It's… me. And a bus."
She nodded. "I can see that. Is there anything special about this picture to you? Look closely now…"
I frowned. There was something about it that bothered me…
It didn't take long for me to realize what was strange. I was wearing my leather clothes that I had received just before leaving home. The problem was that they weren't worn as they had been when I arrived.
I could feel my heart speed up.
I leaned forward and took the picture, examining it closer. I could see a little bit of the surrounding area, but I didn't recognize any of it. It wasn't any place near my home, yet it wasn't in Paragon either. And I was wearing that outfit… It was between.
I could feel the wind spiraling gently around me. "H…how did you do this?"
"I have the ability to draw images based on things in your mind. Is this picture significant somehow?"
I stared, daring to believe she had done what I thought. "This is from what I don't remember. Can you really draw what I don't even…" I trailed off, still staring, trying to pick up every detail I could. The bus driver was frowning at me as I stepped down. Wind was catching the tail of my coat and flinging it, as well as my hair, out to the side.
"…Kierin. You don't remember this?"
"I've lost my memories of what happened between leaving my house in California and arriving at Paragon."
The councilor's eyes widened. "Goodness, you should have come to me sooner. My drawings can come from your subconscious; I'm sure I can help you get your memories back."
"…Do you really think you can do that?"
"I think it's certainly worth a try."
I nodded grudgingly. If I was going to accept Valerie's help, I might as well use as much as I could. I finally handed the picture back to her, rubbing my eyes and yawning.
Valerie smiled a little. "Tired?"
I looked away. "Clouded."
"What do you mean?"
I sighed. I was sick of explaining this; it was hard to explain and no one seemed to really understand anyway. "It's kind of a long story."
Valerie leaned back in her chair, folding back the paper for a new sheet. She smiled as she picked up her pencil again. "We have plenty of time, Kierin."
Re: Drawn-Out Memories
I was drifting through the air over Atlas park when I noticed her. Alex was walking by the city hall. I felt the familiar surge of anger, but also a little bit of guilt. I was still mad that she'd sent me to the councilors… but the hurt in her voice lately when I didn't respond to her was starting to wear on my conscience.
I flew down hesitantly and landed in front of her. "…Hey."
"Hey… sorry…"
I looked down, frowning, and she averted her eyes as well. I started to realize how stupid I was being. "Just… forget it. It's done. And if you hadn't, someone else would have."
Alex hesitated. "Still doesn't mean I should have tried convincing you a lot more."
I suppressed the urge to roll my eyes. As if she hadn't tried long enough? And only because she wanted me to get better. "Wouldn’t have done anything." After a few seconds I added, "Atwood thinks she can help get my memories back."
Alex brightened a little. "She does? Cool!"
I nodded. "I guess… I'm just not strong enough to handle myself."
She looked away, at a loss for words. I shook my head and went back to the reason I'd come here. "I know you were just doing what you thought was best… so I can't really stay angry."
"I'm still sorry I got you so mad."
Guilt was getting worse. I shrugged, embarrassed. "…Apology accepted."
She smiled a little. Somehow I felt like I needed to say something else.
"So… I'm sorry too. And I guess that's that." I scratched my head, still embarrassed but a little relieved.
She nodded. "Er… want a hug?"
"…ok."
It was a little awkward, but it felt good not to be mad at her anymore. I backed away from the embrace with a nervous cough. "Um, you want to do something?"
She shook her head. "Sorry, I've got this homework project that's going to kill me if I don't start working on it."
"Alright." She blinked away in teleport. I let out a sigh, relieved that I hadn't accidentally lost a friend.
I flew down hesitantly and landed in front of her. "…Hey."
"Hey… sorry…"
I looked down, frowning, and she averted her eyes as well. I started to realize how stupid I was being. "Just… forget it. It's done. And if you hadn't, someone else would have."
Alex hesitated. "Still doesn't mean I should have tried convincing you a lot more."
I suppressed the urge to roll my eyes. As if she hadn't tried long enough? And only because she wanted me to get better. "Wouldn’t have done anything." After a few seconds I added, "Atwood thinks she can help get my memories back."
Alex brightened a little. "She does? Cool!"
I nodded. "I guess… I'm just not strong enough to handle myself."
She looked away, at a loss for words. I shook my head and went back to the reason I'd come here. "I know you were just doing what you thought was best… so I can't really stay angry."
"I'm still sorry I got you so mad."
Guilt was getting worse. I shrugged, embarrassed. "…Apology accepted."
She smiled a little. Somehow I felt like I needed to say something else.
"So… I'm sorry too. And I guess that's that." I scratched my head, still embarrassed but a little relieved.
She nodded. "Er… want a hug?"
"…ok."
It was a little awkward, but it felt good not to be mad at her anymore. I backed away from the embrace with a nervous cough. "Um, you want to do something?"
She shook her head. "Sorry, I've got this homework project that's going to kill me if I don't start working on it."
"Alright." She blinked away in teleport. I let out a sigh, relieved that I hadn't accidentally lost a friend.
Last edited by Kierin on Mon Mar 31, 2008 8:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Re: Drawn-Out Memories
I attempted to wade through the darkness inside. Tendrils of black fog plucked at my clothes, trying to turn me away. I ignored the cold touch and pressed forward. It was worse than usual and not getting any better. The landscape of my consciousness was covered in shadows, obscuring all thought. Trying to recall what I had done last weekend would take all my effort… the events of several months ago, unknown to me, could not be imagined.
Little sparks of light flashed in the corners of my vision, demanding attention. Small realizations, memories, interests and muses, clamoring for recognition through the murk, desperate to be seen, acknowledged. I shut them from my focus, one by one, and the lights surrendered, drifting behind as I pressed forward, step after step, seeking only one thing.
I knew I would come to it soon.
The shadows were getting thicker. Darkness coalesced around my legs, turning semi-solid and delaying my progress. The background of my mind shifted with annoyance. I lifted my feet higher as I walked.
Black smoke was everywhere, covering my eyes, going down my throat. I waved my arms in front of my face, but my own arms were starting to fade, dissolving into the black mist covering the universe I stood in.
A solid, complete absence of light materialized in front of me. Everything else seemed illuminated as the total darkness grew. This, the lost memory, a place in my head I wanted to see clear more than anything in the world.
A giant made of black emerged in front of me. It swept the back of a colossal hand down on me, as if brushing away a stain. It struck me, utterly annihilating my presence, and destroying any sign that I had once stood there, in the mists of my mind.
*******
I gasped as I opened my eyes again, my heartbeat pounding in my throat.
"Kierin, I was about to wake you. Are you alright?"
Slowly my eyes focused on Valerie, leaning forward in her chair, looking at me intently. "I'm … fine. I couldn't get any farther than usual. Did you get anything?"
Valerie looked down at her pad. "I'm sorry, Kierin, but all I got were these."
She handed me the paper, and I frowned. Nothing but vague shapes and a drawing of the shrouded landscape I had just left. I sighed.
"Does any of that look familiar to you?"
"No… the little drawings look like you were practicing your shading… And this is what I see when I try to search out missing things in my head that are important to me. That I can't find…" I sighed.
The councilor frowned. "So… you actually see this, as if you were experiencing a physical journey?"
I nodded. "It's weird, I know. The harder it is for me to remember, the more realistic the place seems."
"Hmmm…"
I leaned back in the chair, feeling worn out mentally and physically. We'd been doing this for several days, and it hadn't been any different than it had been for the month I'd been trying alone.
Valerie looked up at the clock. "Well, we're almost out of time for today." She smiled. "Perhaps tomorrow we'll get it."
I shrugged. "Maybe. Nothing's changing. I can't get any farther than normal, and you can't draw what I can't see."
She nodded slowly. "Yes… I'm thinking about that. But it can wait until next time. Before you leave, how have you been feeling?"
I looked into her eyes blankly.
Her face saddened, and I felt bad. She seemed genuinely worried about me, but I still didn't really want to be here. Even though she claimed she could help me, I hadn't seen anything that made me stop wanting to leave.
"…I see. I plan to call MAGI when I get a moment, see if they have any advice."
I almost laughed. "MAGI doesn't have a clue… they're good at things they already know about, but they need to learn things from me before they can do anything about it. And that kind of defeats the purpose."
Valerie nodded regretfully. "You're already involved with them?"
I shrugged. "Well, slightly. Technically, they're my 'guardian,' but they've done very little to help me."
Valerie glanced at the clock again and sighed slightly. "I'll ask you about that next time, but it's time for my next appointment. I will see you tomorrow, Kierin. I hope you feel better."
"Not a chance. But thanks." I got up and left, feeling the weight of the shadows settle into their familiar place in my head.
Little sparks of light flashed in the corners of my vision, demanding attention. Small realizations, memories, interests and muses, clamoring for recognition through the murk, desperate to be seen, acknowledged. I shut them from my focus, one by one, and the lights surrendered, drifting behind as I pressed forward, step after step, seeking only one thing.
I knew I would come to it soon.
The shadows were getting thicker. Darkness coalesced around my legs, turning semi-solid and delaying my progress. The background of my mind shifted with annoyance. I lifted my feet higher as I walked.
Black smoke was everywhere, covering my eyes, going down my throat. I waved my arms in front of my face, but my own arms were starting to fade, dissolving into the black mist covering the universe I stood in.
A solid, complete absence of light materialized in front of me. Everything else seemed illuminated as the total darkness grew. This, the lost memory, a place in my head I wanted to see clear more than anything in the world.
A giant made of black emerged in front of me. It swept the back of a colossal hand down on me, as if brushing away a stain. It struck me, utterly annihilating my presence, and destroying any sign that I had once stood there, in the mists of my mind.
*******
I gasped as I opened my eyes again, my heartbeat pounding in my throat.
"Kierin, I was about to wake you. Are you alright?"
Slowly my eyes focused on Valerie, leaning forward in her chair, looking at me intently. "I'm … fine. I couldn't get any farther than usual. Did you get anything?"
Valerie looked down at her pad. "I'm sorry, Kierin, but all I got were these."
She handed me the paper, and I frowned. Nothing but vague shapes and a drawing of the shrouded landscape I had just left. I sighed.
"Does any of that look familiar to you?"
"No… the little drawings look like you were practicing your shading… And this is what I see when I try to search out missing things in my head that are important to me. That I can't find…" I sighed.
The councilor frowned. "So… you actually see this, as if you were experiencing a physical journey?"
I nodded. "It's weird, I know. The harder it is for me to remember, the more realistic the place seems."
"Hmmm…"
I leaned back in the chair, feeling worn out mentally and physically. We'd been doing this for several days, and it hadn't been any different than it had been for the month I'd been trying alone.
Valerie looked up at the clock. "Well, we're almost out of time for today." She smiled. "Perhaps tomorrow we'll get it."
I shrugged. "Maybe. Nothing's changing. I can't get any farther than normal, and you can't draw what I can't see."
She nodded slowly. "Yes… I'm thinking about that. But it can wait until next time. Before you leave, how have you been feeling?"
I looked into her eyes blankly.
Her face saddened, and I felt bad. She seemed genuinely worried about me, but I still didn't really want to be here. Even though she claimed she could help me, I hadn't seen anything that made me stop wanting to leave.
"…I see. I plan to call MAGI when I get a moment, see if they have any advice."
I almost laughed. "MAGI doesn't have a clue… they're good at things they already know about, but they need to learn things from me before they can do anything about it. And that kind of defeats the purpose."
Valerie nodded regretfully. "You're already involved with them?"
I shrugged. "Well, slightly. Technically, they're my 'guardian,' but they've done very little to help me."
Valerie glanced at the clock again and sighed slightly. "I'll ask you about that next time, but it's time for my next appointment. I will see you tomorrow, Kierin. I hope you feel better."
"Not a chance. But thanks." I got up and left, feeling the weight of the shadows settle into their familiar place in my head.
Re: Drawn-Out Memories
I knocked lethargically on the door, hoping she was out, that I was too late, that she had forgotten and was gone.
But of course she was there. As usual. The voice, irritatingly pleasant. "Come in, Kierin."
Of course. Come in. Now the next session would start. Another wasted hour of useless doodles. All I wanted was to be alone.
"…Kierin?" Oh, the door. Of course.
I opened the door and walked in, taking a seat on the chair in her office. The mere feeling of it brought back the hopelessness I had spent too much time feeling here.
Valerie was writing something down on a piece of paper. Without looking up she said kindly, "How are you feeling today, Kierin?"
I narrowed my eyes. "I'm feeling… fine."
She stopped writing, and looked up at me. "It doesn't sound like it," she said softly. Setting the paper aside, she picked up her drawing pad. "And you don't look well. How much sleep did you get last night?"
"None."
She nodded. "I see. Kierin, I think we've been focusing too hard on these memories of yours. Would you like to talk about some other things today?"
My shoulders slumped a little. She always managed to disarm me somehow. "I guess… that'd be okay."
Valerie smiled. "How have you been doing here at Saint Joseph's, aside from the powers?"
I closed my eyes, tried to process the question through the haze. I reminded myself that this was a counseling session, and all she really wanted me to do was talk. So I started talking, just letting the words come.
"…Pretty good, I guess. Before, in my old school, I didn't have many friends. When I came here, I didn't really want to be alone again. And when I'm around people, it… helps me focus. So I try to talk to people, even though I'm still not used to being social, and I guess some of them like me. I have a few friends here."
"Like who?"
"Um… Kelly, Kylie, Alex… the new kid, Sean…"
Valerie nodded, smiling. "It sounds like you've been settling in well."
I shrugged. "If you ignore the darkness thing… I guess that's true. People here are really nice." I noticed her pencil hand sliding slowly across the page, and wondered what she could be drawing from what I was telling her.
"They are," agreed Valerie. She smiled a bit. "And Sean, I heard you were with him at Pocket D last Friday?"
I sighed. "That was a mistake… I'm not ready for that right now."
"That sounds like a good decision, Kierin. I heard about Nova… I'm sorry about that."
I nodded wearily, knowing that would come up. "I just want to forget about him, but it's hard because he's always there."
"In time it will pass," she said gently.
"I hope so."
She glanced down at her drawing and her expression flickered for a second, but her pencil continued to scratch out an image.
"Your grades seem quite good also, though they've been slipping a little lately. Before that, mostly A's with a few B's, right?" She smiled.
I rolled my eyes. "Yeah… school isn't a problem. I just do what I have to keep everyone off my back while I worry about more important things."
Valerie raised an eyebrow. "In most of your classes, you get almost perfect scores on the tests and the assignments you turn in. If you have less than an A, it's because you have missing work."
I nodded. "Some assignments are pointless. If they're not worth enough, I know I can keep up a good enough grade in the class and still not do them."
"Well… the school curriculum tries to aim at giving you the best education possible. Maybe the other assignments have a purpose."
"As long as I don't feel guilty… and I don't… I'm not going to get too troubled over a B."
"Mm… very interesting."
I grunted. "I guess it is to some. Academics aren't important to me."
Valerie nodded, looking at me and still drawing. I looked to the side, thinking about the things we were talking about, wishing I could just be free of the darkness and experience it all.
"You're dissatisfied with your classes?"
I hesitated, then leaned forward a little. "I've never appreciated school. St. Joe's does at least a better job than my old school. I don't particularly mind the classes… but more importantly, this place is my only real home I've ever had. I'm not going to let the classes scare me off."
"Your only home, Kierin? You lived in California, with your parents, before you came here, didn't you?"
I leaned back with a small half-smile. "Not really. I sat in their house, reading, writing, and drawing, as they traveled around for the job and did their best to ignore me."
Her expression softened. "I'm sorry to hear that, Kierin…"
"Heh. No. They didn't care about me, so I returned the favor. I learned to fend for myself for the most part. They had babysitters for a while, but they changed so many times that I never felt attached to any of them. I have plenty of friends now… Whatever my careless parents broke, if anything, I'm sure they'll fix."
Valerie smiled. "You certainly don't seem any worse for wear…"
Her pencil stopped moving. She studied the page, and glanced back up at me apprehensively.
"What is it, Valerie?" I blinked in surprise at how easily her name came out into my question.
"Kierin… Often, I draw things that have nothing to do with the subject we're discussing. We've already seen the results of you trying to remember what happened before you got to Paragon. We got nothing. When I first drew the picture of you at that bus stop, we weren't talking about your memories, only about you and councilors."
I felt my heartbeat speed up. I didn't dare to hope where she was going with this.
But it was true. She took a deep breath. "I think I may have the picture you're looking for."
I stared at the back of the pad, trying to imagine what was on the other side. "Show me." My voice was no more than a whisper, barely louder than the wind blowing through the room.
She looked at me square in the eyes. "Your mind suppressed these memories for a reason. Are you sure you want to have them back now?"
"Yes."
She nodded and turned the pad around. A man in black armor stood grinning at the viewer with a scar-covered face, holding up a hand covered in dark energy.
For a second I just felt absolutely nothing, as if my soul had just failed. Then I dropped my head into my hands, shivering violently. Images flashed through my mind, as they had before, but never so strong. I could feel the wind tearing around me and subconsciously tried to being it to control.
"Kierin! Are you alright?"
I sobbed, feeling my arm flare up in pain. "It's… T-Tregar…"
I could see the blood-red mark of my fate, the eight-pronged symbol of the Arachnos. I could see the hallway, the long path of hunger, my own personal hell. I could see him standing over me, laughing, screaming. I felt the impact in my arm, and even remembering the pain had me doubled over. My head felt like it was going to explode. I couldn't stop the tears. Why had I wanted to remember this nightmare? But it was too late now. There was no chance shutting it back like I had before.
Dimly, I felt a pressure on my shoulders. It took me a second to realize that Valerie was hugging me, speaking softly. I couldn’t hear what she said, only the calmness in her reassuring voice. I leaned on her shoulder, still crying.
It took a long time, but gradually the tears slowed. I felt spent… but there was something else too. I closed my eyes, looked inside myself.
The shadows were falling away. Slowly but surely, I could feel my head clearing.
I almost started crying again, but this time for a much different reason. I'd received a curse, but the blessing that came with it made it more than worth it. I tried to speak, my voice coming out as a choked whisper. "V…Valerie?"
"Yes, Kierin?"
"Thank you…"
She pulled away, smiling. "I am glad I could help. Maybe you could use some rest."
I stood, shakily, wiping away the tears even though they were still coming. "I…I think I should go out… I need some air. And my friends."
"Alright, do that. We will talk more next time, alright?"
I nodded, trying to smile. When I actually succeeded I felt a wave of relief. Leaving the office, I realized I had my life back again, and now that I had my past figured out, I was on my way toward moving forward. The shadows were taking their time giving me my consciousness back, but I could feel that I was finally rising instead of sinking.
But of course she was there. As usual. The voice, irritatingly pleasant. "Come in, Kierin."
Of course. Come in. Now the next session would start. Another wasted hour of useless doodles. All I wanted was to be alone.
"…Kierin?" Oh, the door. Of course.
I opened the door and walked in, taking a seat on the chair in her office. The mere feeling of it brought back the hopelessness I had spent too much time feeling here.
Valerie was writing something down on a piece of paper. Without looking up she said kindly, "How are you feeling today, Kierin?"
I narrowed my eyes. "I'm feeling… fine."
She stopped writing, and looked up at me. "It doesn't sound like it," she said softly. Setting the paper aside, she picked up her drawing pad. "And you don't look well. How much sleep did you get last night?"
"None."
She nodded. "I see. Kierin, I think we've been focusing too hard on these memories of yours. Would you like to talk about some other things today?"
My shoulders slumped a little. She always managed to disarm me somehow. "I guess… that'd be okay."
Valerie smiled. "How have you been doing here at Saint Joseph's, aside from the powers?"
I closed my eyes, tried to process the question through the haze. I reminded myself that this was a counseling session, and all she really wanted me to do was talk. So I started talking, just letting the words come.
"…Pretty good, I guess. Before, in my old school, I didn't have many friends. When I came here, I didn't really want to be alone again. And when I'm around people, it… helps me focus. So I try to talk to people, even though I'm still not used to being social, and I guess some of them like me. I have a few friends here."
"Like who?"
"Um… Kelly, Kylie, Alex… the new kid, Sean…"
Valerie nodded, smiling. "It sounds like you've been settling in well."
I shrugged. "If you ignore the darkness thing… I guess that's true. People here are really nice." I noticed her pencil hand sliding slowly across the page, and wondered what she could be drawing from what I was telling her.
"They are," agreed Valerie. She smiled a bit. "And Sean, I heard you were with him at Pocket D last Friday?"
I sighed. "That was a mistake… I'm not ready for that right now."
"That sounds like a good decision, Kierin. I heard about Nova… I'm sorry about that."
I nodded wearily, knowing that would come up. "I just want to forget about him, but it's hard because he's always there."
"In time it will pass," she said gently.
"I hope so."
She glanced down at her drawing and her expression flickered for a second, but her pencil continued to scratch out an image.
"Your grades seem quite good also, though they've been slipping a little lately. Before that, mostly A's with a few B's, right?" She smiled.
I rolled my eyes. "Yeah… school isn't a problem. I just do what I have to keep everyone off my back while I worry about more important things."
Valerie raised an eyebrow. "In most of your classes, you get almost perfect scores on the tests and the assignments you turn in. If you have less than an A, it's because you have missing work."
I nodded. "Some assignments are pointless. If they're not worth enough, I know I can keep up a good enough grade in the class and still not do them."
"Well… the school curriculum tries to aim at giving you the best education possible. Maybe the other assignments have a purpose."
"As long as I don't feel guilty… and I don't… I'm not going to get too troubled over a B."
"Mm… very interesting."
I grunted. "I guess it is to some. Academics aren't important to me."
Valerie nodded, looking at me and still drawing. I looked to the side, thinking about the things we were talking about, wishing I could just be free of the darkness and experience it all.
"You're dissatisfied with your classes?"
I hesitated, then leaned forward a little. "I've never appreciated school. St. Joe's does at least a better job than my old school. I don't particularly mind the classes… but more importantly, this place is my only real home I've ever had. I'm not going to let the classes scare me off."
"Your only home, Kierin? You lived in California, with your parents, before you came here, didn't you?"
I leaned back with a small half-smile. "Not really. I sat in their house, reading, writing, and drawing, as they traveled around for the job and did their best to ignore me."
Her expression softened. "I'm sorry to hear that, Kierin…"
"Heh. No. They didn't care about me, so I returned the favor. I learned to fend for myself for the most part. They had babysitters for a while, but they changed so many times that I never felt attached to any of them. I have plenty of friends now… Whatever my careless parents broke, if anything, I'm sure they'll fix."
Valerie smiled. "You certainly don't seem any worse for wear…"
Her pencil stopped moving. She studied the page, and glanced back up at me apprehensively.
"What is it, Valerie?" I blinked in surprise at how easily her name came out into my question.
"Kierin… Often, I draw things that have nothing to do with the subject we're discussing. We've already seen the results of you trying to remember what happened before you got to Paragon. We got nothing. When I first drew the picture of you at that bus stop, we weren't talking about your memories, only about you and councilors."
I felt my heartbeat speed up. I didn't dare to hope where she was going with this.
But it was true. She took a deep breath. "I think I may have the picture you're looking for."
I stared at the back of the pad, trying to imagine what was on the other side. "Show me." My voice was no more than a whisper, barely louder than the wind blowing through the room.
She looked at me square in the eyes. "Your mind suppressed these memories for a reason. Are you sure you want to have them back now?"
"Yes."
She nodded and turned the pad around. A man in black armor stood grinning at the viewer with a scar-covered face, holding up a hand covered in dark energy.
For a second I just felt absolutely nothing, as if my soul had just failed. Then I dropped my head into my hands, shivering violently. Images flashed through my mind, as they had before, but never so strong. I could feel the wind tearing around me and subconsciously tried to being it to control.
"Kierin! Are you alright?"
I sobbed, feeling my arm flare up in pain. "It's… T-Tregar…"
I could see the blood-red mark of my fate, the eight-pronged symbol of the Arachnos. I could see the hallway, the long path of hunger, my own personal hell. I could see him standing over me, laughing, screaming. I felt the impact in my arm, and even remembering the pain had me doubled over. My head felt like it was going to explode. I couldn't stop the tears. Why had I wanted to remember this nightmare? But it was too late now. There was no chance shutting it back like I had before.
Dimly, I felt a pressure on my shoulders. It took me a second to realize that Valerie was hugging me, speaking softly. I couldn’t hear what she said, only the calmness in her reassuring voice. I leaned on her shoulder, still crying.
It took a long time, but gradually the tears slowed. I felt spent… but there was something else too. I closed my eyes, looked inside myself.
The shadows were falling away. Slowly but surely, I could feel my head clearing.
I almost started crying again, but this time for a much different reason. I'd received a curse, but the blessing that came with it made it more than worth it. I tried to speak, my voice coming out as a choked whisper. "V…Valerie?"
"Yes, Kierin?"
"Thank you…"
She pulled away, smiling. "I am glad I could help. Maybe you could use some rest."
I stood, shakily, wiping away the tears even though they were still coming. "I…I think I should go out… I need some air. And my friends."
"Alright, do that. We will talk more next time, alright?"
I nodded, trying to smile. When I actually succeeded I felt a wave of relief. Leaving the office, I realized I had my life back again, and now that I had my past figured out, I was on my way toward moving forward. The shadows were taking their time giving me my consciousness back, but I could feel that I was finally rising instead of sinking.
Re: Drawn-Out Memories
((Ok, I had to add this post in the middle of the story, which I'm WAY late on. Sorry Alex! 
And this thread's officially over.))
And this thread's officially over.))