Whats..Wrong With Me....?

[Mana Cannon]

Mana was hovering low to the ground, making his way to the atrium, his faceplate buried in a book. He swiftly turned a corner when he slammed book first into something, or someone.

*WAM* “Ow….” Looking up he found himself staring at Samantha Douglas, yet again rolling her eyes the minute she saw him.

“Dammit.” She hissed, readjusting her backpack and shooting a cold stare his way. Mana was about to apologize for the collision, when the electrons in his brain sent out a hopeful spark.

“You’ve come to help look for Joe?” He asked, dusting himself off.

“No.” She snapped. “If you have to know, the music room is down that way, I went to see Jason, not to find your bug.”

“Well, you should!” Mana insisted, his emotions turning to worry over his lost pet. The outburst only served to make Sam roll her eyes yet again.

“I’m a little tired of you telling me what I should do, Tin Can.” She snapped back.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” He asked in the same stand-offish tone Sam had used. “Considering YOU are the one who let him go, then you should at least want to help. I haven‘t asked you to do anything else.”

“Really?” Sam asked, tilting her head to the side, and folding her arms across her chest defensively. “Let’s see, how about asking me to stay quiet about you losing it? How about asking me and Bryan to be the ones to stop you if you did? Neither one of us knew what you were capable of, that you were some sort of weapon at one time. You chose to leave that little tidbit out, because there’s no way I would’ve agreed to keep an eye on you knowing that. “

“I was scared.” He shot back, still as angry. “I didn’t know what else to do, I didn’t want to be taken apart, not again…”

“So it was better to try and freeze Joni to death? To nearly kill Bryan by blasting him? To almost kill Jason, and then come after me? It's because you were scared of what would happen to YOU? Great. You know what Mana, if I couldn’t control what it is that I would do I’d take myself out of the game long before I hurt anyone, especially anyone I care about. But maybe that’s the difference between me and you.” The gravity of her words sank in with him, and the large robot started to slightly shake, the action making Sam dig her foot into the tile defensively, not budging.

"I didn’t..." He began

"That’s right Mana you didn’t think at all. You didn’t think about any of us. And now you come back with your sob story about how you’re so sorry, and you didn’t mean it, and everyone is all happy that you’re back, and that you’re fine, and that’s supposed to what, erase what happened?”

"Sam...I’m..." He began again.

"Sorry? Yeah me too, sorry for listening to you and not saying anything. I mean, there’s a hundred people at the school you could’ve went to, Mana. A hundred people who maybe would have known what to do to help you, but instead, you put it on Bryan and you put it on me, and you never told us what you were capable of doing. And luckily we were able to stop you, otherwise, me and you wouldn’t be having this conversation at all, now would we?”

“I‘m sorry. ” He asked, the anger now drained from his voice. “I don’t know what else to say.”

“There’s nothing else to say.” She said, gripping the straps of her backpack tightly.

“No.” He pressed. “I want to be friends again. I know I can’t be forgiven, but I do want to be friends..."Once again she rolled her eyes before stepping in towards him, threateningly.

"How? You tell me that. Because I don’t know if your memory was wiped clean but mine hasn’t been. So every time I look at you, I‘m going to remember, and I‘m going to wonder if there‘s going to be a next time, and how bad it will be then. I don‘t know if whatever you were programmed for is still there, if it‘s gone, or if it could ever be triggered again. And I don‘t want to go through this again. You think I enjoyed fighting you? I liked having to bust you up before you went and self destructed and hurt a lot more people? "

Mana looks down and begins crying "I..I don’t know if its gone Sam. I don’t...I know it was my fear and weakness that made me run from it....God I’m sorry....I want to be stronger so that my friends can know that they can depend on me and they can trust me. Sam I swear to you, myself and God that I won’t let it happen again...I won’t do that to you or anyone.…” He looked up pleadingly into her eyes. She rolled her eyes again and let out a disgusted huff.

“I don’t want you swearing anything to anyone, Tin Can. I’ll get over it when I’m over it, and until then your best bet is to just back off. Good luck finding Joe." She walked around the corner leaving Mana sobing in the halls.

[Cryogene]

There was definitely an advantage, at times, to going to a Catholic school: your favorite teacher could double as a comfortable spiritual advisor. Even if you were raised Methodist. "Sister?"

"Yes, Miss Jacobs?"

"Can we talk?"

"We are, I believe." Sister Mary Hilde smiled warmly, dropping her formality. "If you mean 'at length', my next class doesn't begin for forty-five minutes, and I've never known the students to arrive early. Please, have a seat."

Joni sat, but simply stared at her hands in her lap.

"I haven't seen much of you outside classes lately; I'm glad to see you're out early today."

"Sorry... I've been a bit of a recluse lately... Sister?"

"Yes?"

"Do... do you think robots have souls?"

The nun raised an eyebrow knowingly. "Joni, that's a question I honestly can't answer. But if you're referring to the 'artificial students' on campus, I treat them as children of God, the same as you or I."

"Why?" It wasn't a challenge, just honest curiosity.

"I chose to err on the positive side. It's not my position to determine such things; all I know is that they think as humans do, they act as humans do, they have emotions as humans do. And even if they are, in the end, machines, I shouldn't get in the habit of treating human-like creatures as different. Otherwise, one day I'll do the same with someone who does deserve better."

"And what happens when they don't act as humans do?"

"When, say, they let other programming take over?"

Joni looked at her hands again. "You heard, then."

"Most of the staff has, yes. Enough to recognize what would make you ask my opinions on the souls of androids."

"But if a robot... if Mana," she clarified, giving up her attempt to be ambiguous, "can be controlled completely with just programming, he's just a soulless machine. If he has a level of control beyond that, then that means he could have resisted, but he didn't."

"Joni, one day Our Lord encountered a pitiful man who was possessed by hundreds of demons. Behind those demons was a human being, but you'd never know it: something very inhuman and soulless was controlling his every action. The possessed man had no ability to resist such an army. He had... been 'reprogrammed,' shall we say. But Our Lord saw the soul was still there, behind the programming, and He brought it back into the light."

"I know the story of Legion, Sister, but... how can you be sure that's the case with Mana? You're not Jesus; you can't just look at him and say, 'Yep, that's a soul there.'"

"No, I can't. But as I said, I'd rather err on the positive. The Lord will judge me no worse for having done so."

"...what if I don't want to?"

"Why don't you?"

"...because... I... if he does have a soul, then... oh, forget it..." Joni stood. "Sorry to bother you." She turned and left the room.

Sister Hilde watched her go. After a moment, she folded her hands. May You grant Joni the strength to forgive and let go...

[Kali Jade]

Slender fingers ran gently over the book bindings as Kali read the titles before her.

"Ancient Symbolism and its Meanings" seemed to catch her attention and she gently pulled the book from the shelf.

As she turned to take the book to a nearby table , Mana , or Raphael as he now chose to be called , turned the corner toward her at the same moment.
As the two collided and Kali giggled.
" Oh gawd Mana.. I mean Raphael .... I'm so sorry , I wasn't looking where i was going as usual."
She told him as she blushed.

"Oh it's ok Kali" he replied.

" Hey I'm glad you're here though, I was wanting to come check on you and just see how you're feeling now that things are beginning to calm down. "
Kali's dark eyes look concerned for her friend as she lightly touches his arm.
" you wanna grab a table and talk for a bit?" she asks.

[Mana Cannon]

Looks at Kali with his optics "yeah that would be nice Kali...Im just...really upset."

They find a table on the far side of the library and sit down. Raph's weight makes the chair strain so he hits his jets and midly hovers so he doesnt break the chair.

"I had a big fight with Sam over what happened." He begins looking at her face where he sees honest concern emmenating from her eyes. "I dont think she will ever trust me again. And the other night I actually saw Joni...I was so releaved she was okay, but she wouldnt even look at me. God Kali...I was so stupid."

She reaches over and pats his cold hand "It will be okay Raph. They just need time. Yeah you should have gone for help but you werent stupid. We wouldnt have hated you or taken you apart and let you sit somewhere. We are friends and friends look out for one another"

Raph leans his head down and starts crying into the table.
"Thank you Kali...I just dont know what to do anymore"

[Kali Jade]

Kali grasps Mana's hand as he breaks down in tears.
It's hard for her to understand this being. She can't read him like she could most the others here .
"Please don't cry Raph... things will work out. You just need to give it time ya know?
It was a huge shock to everyone when it happened and anything like that takes time to heal.
Not just physical wounds but mental as well. You know?
People will be skittish around you for a bit but thats to be expected.
Turn the situation around and look at it from thier view."

She pauses a moment and smiles softly at him as she pats his hand.

" What if it had been you attacked?
Say for example You were walking across campus taking Joe for a walk on a nice day.
And with no warning I came running across campus and wrapped you in tenticles so you couldn't move and you couldn't defend yourself or Joe? The tenticles may not severly injure you , but they would immobilize you. They may even make you a bit disoriented or interfere with your vision for a bit.
But because of Joes size if you coudln't help him it could turn out far worse for him . Maybe it would cause great harm to him..
Now even if I were to realize what I had done later and appologized , would you be able to look at me the same as you had before?
Especially since I know how deeply you care for the little guy."

She watches Mana closely, still trying to interpret how to respond next.

[Mana Cannon]

Raph stares at her in utter shock. At first unable to say anything as he mentaly plays what that would be like.
"I.." he begins "I think I understand now" He looks down again at his hands understanding what it is he was really made for and how he has wronged those most dear to him.
Kali looked into his new face, something she and other were still getting used to, she looked and saw something new in his optics, something that made them eyes.
"Raph I know you were built as a weapon. But think about this. You made the consciousness desision to change that and become something better. That makes you hopeful and heroic. You didnt want to be a slave to your programming so you thought and you saw what else you could be."
She stood and pulled him with her. "Come on lets go look for Joe."
He looked at her and smiled "Thanks. I...I dont how to thank you Kali."
She grins and replies "Hmm...well I could use a coke...and maybe some chips..."
His electric laughter rings and for the first time in a while he feels truely happy. "Kali I will buy you coke and chips anytime you want from here untill the Horn sounds"

[Persiflage]

"I see you've changed your look," said Dr. Conrads, looking at the student sitting opposite of him.

"I went to Icon," Mana intoned, "And they gave me some minor cosmetic changes."

Conrads nodded, noted something down on his clipboard. "The hair, the facial features, yes?"

"I wanted to have a face," said Mana. His lips did not move; the face he wore was like a metallic mask.

Conrads leaned forward, elbows on knees. "You didn't have one before?"

Mana shrugged.

"Why did you want a face?"

"I thought people would like me better."

Conrads nodded. "That seems reasonable. How have people reacted?"

Mana Cannon was silent a moment, giving a low hum. David Conrads had become accustomed, in the previous weeks, to listening to these silences and subaudible noises, and reading them the way he would read other students' body language.

"Negative," said Mana Cannon, his diction becoming clipped and mechanical. "They do not like this face. It makes them uncomfortable."

"Who, Raphael? What people are you talking about?"

"Joni. Nennya. Sam. They do not like my face." Dr. Conrads recognized a minute pattern of clicking that always preceded an emotional articulation. "I want them to like me again. I thought if I had a face they would like me."

"We've talked about your propensity for self-sabotage, Raphael. Especially where it coincides with your need to be accepted. You've said that you feel a lot of distance from your former friends, because you hurt them. Why do you think they reacted to your new face so negatively?"

Mana was silent for a few moments. "Because it was a new face."

"When you hurt them, they felt betrayed, yes? That you had become someone else. A new face makes them more confused. It compounds their uncertainty about you."

Mana began to cry, and Conrads waited for the cycle to end. It was much more difficult, his first week here, when he would cry at any emotional moment, Conrads thought. The sobs had a strange rhythmic quality, like a looped recording. Eventually they tapered off.

"That is logical," Mana said. "Thank you, Dr. Conrads. I will consider what you have said."

"How are things for you otherwise? I see you have another date for family court this Tuesday. How has that process affected you?"

"I have been worried," said Mana. "I thought at first that it would be easier if I were not labeled a person under the law. It would be a matter of seeing a technician, of changing programming code. It would have been simpler."

Dr. Conrads waited. Counseling was often more a process of silences than words--even with an android.

"But even though it's frightening to me, it feels better. Paragon City has accepted me. I feel ... cared for? Yes. Court is frightening, but the city is protecting me. They are giving me the same rights as other people."

David Conrads made a few more notes. "I think that's all the time we have today, Raphael. But there are things I want you to think about, and to bring do our session next week. You don't need to think about right or wrong answers, just consider the questions themselves.

"Consider how you feel about your programming. Who should have access to that, and under what circumstances? Do you feel you have certain rights there? And ... what portions of your programming are uniquely you? That's all for now." He flipped a blank page over his notes and shook Mana's hand. "Next week. Tell me too, how things go for you in court."

He closed the door to his office after the android had left, and moved to his desk to write up his summation of the session.

Mana Cannon was his most difficult patient.

Despite the fact that the student was a mechanical construct, an android, he had as real an emotional and psychic presence as any other person--at least to David Conrads.

Mana Cannon is in particular difficulty because his physical body limits his ability to emotionally interact with his fellow students. His frustration leads him to take broad measures to look 'normal.' This process is very similar to those of other students, esp. Saskia and Joni, and can have devastating effects when the process goes awry.

I need to reiterate, even to myself, that Raphael is completely normal in this way. Teenagers from normal backgrounds often go through trauma and difficulty emerging from the liminal stage and formulating an adolescent identity in reference to their peers. When dealing with the superpowered students, the normal frustrations of this process are acted out in more overtly destructive ways.

As an android, Raphael's problems are more complicated. I am encouraged by his insistence on using a personal name in our sessions. I am working to strengthen his sense of self-protection. This may lead to some rebellious defiance of authority figures, but is necessary if he is to develop any sense of an integrous self. Summation of weekly session follows.

[Persiflage]

"What is it?" Nennya asked, leaning her face into the phone, her body into the corner, wishing for more privacy. Drix's voice crackled on the line; the spring weather interfering with the overseas connection.

"It's the Tin Man. Nix, I'm out. I don't think you should do anything there."

"Explain why," she said. "Explain how."

There was silence; only the sounds of ghost-connections, other voices dimly heard on the line reminded her that he was still there.

"Because of the flowers," he said. "Nix, he makes flowers. He grows them, breeds them, cares for them. He feeds them by hand, and he gives them to people who are kind to him."

She ran a finger over her lower lip, remembering the flower Bryan had given her for their first date. Mana had given him the cutting, she remembered.

"I can't feel anything from him, Nix. I don't. But he's alive in there. How can anything that crafts its world with hope and affection be just a machine? He's more than the sum of his parts. He's alive. Talk to him, Nix. Talk to him." There was more crackling, a wave of static that washed over their voices. "I have to go. I'll try to come see you this week, but it may be dicey if the weather stays this bad."

She had a million questions. She wanted his hand in hers, and she wanted to see into him for the answers that eluded her. He seemed so sure. She wanted to share that certainty.

When you feel yourself torn in making a choice, Daddy Niles had said, When you cannot come to consensus between one another, choose what is gentle. Choose what is not violent or coercive. She sighed deeply.

She trusted her brother.

"I love you, Drix."

"I love you, Nix. Be good and kind."

She hung up the phone, and looked at her watch. Bryan's party was in half an hour, and she was due to distract him long enough for everyone to get in place. She would have time to think about this. And then, later, maybe ... time to talk to Mana.

* * *

"I wanted to say something to you, Mana--Raphael." It had happened suddenly, the words coming up like a burp, all sudden.

She'd wanted to wait. Too many people there. Jase, Vesper, Kalie, Duke ... Sam, Joni. But she needed to say it now. And she was afraid to be alone with Mana Cannon. Still afraid.

"I have been unfair to you," she said. "I have been angry with you. Because of what you did. Because you hurt people. But I have been thinking. I have talked to my brother. He says you are a person. People can be forgiven. I don't know if I forgive you or not yet. But I will start treating you like a person."

She stared at her knees in the water, chest tight. She looked up, and saw Sam giving her a smile. She turned over, putting her belly into the sun, floating on her back. She closed her eyes tight. Her ears, half-full of water, heard Joni's tentative voice speaking up.

"Mana?" Joni said. "Can I talk to you? In private?"

Nennya released her breath and sank slowly, like a stone, like a whale, to the bottom of the water. Waiting there until it was time to breathe again.

[Cryogene]

Thursday

It was their third session since "the incident." All three times, two images had dominated Valerie's sketch pad. One was the face of Joni's mother, over and over again; the trauma at the hands of Mana hadn't forced that issue out of Joni's system. Not that it mattered, since Joni still refused to discuss the matter, preferring to talk about the other image: always a clear reference to Mana. A depiction of a generic killer robot the first time, a giant gear rolling along and trying to crush a tiny fleeing girl the second, and this time...

"Is this from a cartoon, Joni?"

A very, very large robot pointed one large arm-cannon directly at a small child. The child, though cowering, had a word balloon above his head: "Choose."

"I... I think that's supposed to be the climax to The Iron Giant. The Giant went crazy after the military began shooting at it, and the kid, Hogarth, is trying to get it to calm down."

"And did Hogarth have ears like yours?"

Joni looked again. "You drew those in on purpose!"

"You know I don't do that. I think... I think this is where you need to be right now..." -- Valerie tapped the Joni-Hogarth -- "...standing in front of the Giant, even if you aren't sure if it will fire or not. And I think your subconscious knows it."

"...one of my favorite movies as a kid. Now Mana's gone and ruined that too."

"I think you're just realizing how hard it was for Hogarth at that moment. Joni--"

"No! I stood there in Hogarth's place already, and Mana shot me anyway! Why do I need to get shot again?"

"Do you really think he's going to shoot again? He's got nothing but regret for what happened."

"...look, I'm not going to make him fight his programming again. I'll just stay out of his way; it'll be easier for both of us."

"And you're back to hiding in your room again for yet another week."

"...actually, I've been thinking about leaving the school entirely."

Valerie folded her hands, a concerned expression on her face. "Do you want to leave Saint Joseph's?"

"No, but what other choice do I have?"

"To stand in front of the gun barrel again. And yes, to risk getting shot again. But also to learn that you won't have to fear that anymore, and to get rid of that anger you've been storing up. It seems that's a choice. It's the most basic one, in fact: flight or fight." She glanced at the drawing again. "So choose."

* * *

Saturday

She'd successfully avoided fleeing the party when Mana arrived. Or when he actually dared to ask her for a dance. She'd even gone to the "Gene Pool" afterwards, knowing Mana had gone ahead of her. She thought she was doing pretty well, all things considered...

She gave a glance to the android, then looked away. Okay, she hadn't spoken two words to him all evening, which was about average for them during their brief encounters over the past month, but still.

So choose. ...maybe tomorrow. Right now she just wasn't--

"Mana... Raphael... I've been meaning to talk to you about something."

Joni looked up sharply as Nennya started a short but heartfelt apology. Nennya! She'd been more furious than anyone Mana had actually injured. Why was she doing this now?

Mana listened and then said something about how he didn't deserve forgiveness. Joni forced her automatic response to that phrase down to a mumble: "Forgiveness isn't something you ever deserve; that's the whole point of it." Stupid church sermons...

Something about her expression must have caught Mana's attention, because he gave her a look and immediately excused himself. She watched him go. So choose. ...she got to her feet. "...umm... Mana?"

[Mana Cannon]

Walking back from the hot tub after Nennya had spoken her apology Mana wanted to give everyone there some room and he felt he needed the space to think.

"Um Mana?" came an all to familiare voice

"Uh...hello Joni" Mana looks up to see she has left the tub and come over to where he was sitting on the grass.

"I...I Need to talk to you" Joni says

The tention in her movements is apperant to Mana, displaying she is still uneasy around him.

"Okay." He says

"Mana I need to forgive you for what you did" She starts out.

"No" He says cutting her off "You dont NEED to do anything I was the one who did something wrong. Dont blame anything on yourself this was my mistake."

"No" She says "I do because if I dont it will eat at me and fester and I dont want that. I doubt I will ever be able to be alone with you or even trust you but I do need to forgive you"

Smiling weakly Mana responds "Thank you Joni Thank you very much"
Joni smiled weakly and walked back to the pool and Mana sat back down under the tree with a small glimmer of hope in his Spark....