A letter to Brandon Jordan
Posted: Tue Dec 30, 2008 10:16 pm
Dear Brandon;
This is a confession. I suppose this is the coward's way out in not coming to your face and telling you, but I'm still sorting out things after my "experience", and besides, Aunt Sylvia won't let me out of her sight now.
It was my fault. All of it. I was stupid, and I thought I knew everything I needed to know about my situation and my place at the school.
My aunt transferred me to Saint Joe's to learn how to control my powers. I just wanted things to go back to the way they were before the stupid accident that gave them to me. I didn't want to learn. I did everything to avoid learning about my powers, and I outsmarted myself trying to figure out some way of saving Jake from being a pariah for the rest of his time at school for what he did with the Cheer squad.
I didn't actually faint in the chapel. I only pretended to so that he could "save" me and be a hero. I thought maybe it would cancel out everyone being so mad at him. I did it because, even though I was angry at Jake for what he did, he was so miserable, and I felt so sorry for him. He was the first boy I ever met at the school, and I would have gone out with him if he had ever asked, he was so nice.
I didn't have time to figure it all out. It was strictly impulse, I swear it was. But it wasn't my brightest idea. I was already tired and stressed, and I kind of relaxed too much. There's an art to swooning, you know, and I wasn't in shape to be playing around like that.
I hit my head on the ground, I got dizzy, then I lost all control. It was awful. It was like losing rein on a horse. It just carried me away to a place I didn't want to be. Aunt Sylvia read me SUCH a riot act when I told her the truth. She was so angry, and I'm sure you're angry, too. She said everyone thought I was going to die, and what I did was sheer ignorance...and if you knew Aunt Sylvia, that's a deep insult for her to throw at someone, worse than the f-word, or the G-d word.
I wanted you to know something else. You've been the most wonderful boy I've ever met. You are everything I could want in a boyfriend. Strong, talented, and loving. So noble, and so polite. A gentleman through and through, and very, very real to me.
I came back only because of you...which is sort of ironic, seeing as you haven't seen me since I changed back. But I'm mortified, Brandon. Utterly mortified. If there was a thing I could have done to make me seem even more of a freak than I feel I am now, I can't for the life of me ponder on what it could be.
Jake *did* save me, Brandon. He bought me enough time by getting me to the infirmary. But you could have saved me long before that...if I had LET you. I pooh-poohed all your concerns. I didn't want to recognize that you had some legitimate concerns, justifiable concerns, and that was a complete lack of respect for who you are, and where you come from. You had all the experience with this world, and I didn't. I really should have listened, and I'm sorry. I'm SO sorry.
I am better than I was...but I don't look right yet, Brandon. I still have leaves for hair, and my skin is brown and green. You don't want a freak for a girlfriend. I'm not worthy of you. I'm not worthy of anyone right now. I've led a selfish life. I've been selfish since I was a child, and I'm paying for that now. Paying for my vanity and self-centeredness. God is punishing me, and rightfully so.
I'm not coming back to the school, Brandon. I've got all sorts of complications with my physiology that doctors and such are still trying to figure out, and I don't know if that's ever going to be fixed.
I love you, Brandon. I love you enough to let you go and fit in with your life, to find some girl strong enough to run alongside you into danger, or raise a family with you, whatever you choose. You bring out the best in me, yet I didn't honor that the way I should have, and now I've lost you and my future to a dark uncertainty.
Please tell everyone I wish them all the best. Please tell them to study, and learn about who they are and what they can do, and never take the school for granted. There's a purpose to all the training, and all the ethics classes, and the structure it gives to the students who take it in. I refused to accept any of it, and y'all nearly had "Tree for Homecoming" for real.
Do this for me. Do this, and let me go, and maybe, just maybe, we'll meet again.
Love with all my heart,
'Del
This is a confession. I suppose this is the coward's way out in not coming to your face and telling you, but I'm still sorting out things after my "experience", and besides, Aunt Sylvia won't let me out of her sight now.
It was my fault. All of it. I was stupid, and I thought I knew everything I needed to know about my situation and my place at the school.
My aunt transferred me to Saint Joe's to learn how to control my powers. I just wanted things to go back to the way they were before the stupid accident that gave them to me. I didn't want to learn. I did everything to avoid learning about my powers, and I outsmarted myself trying to figure out some way of saving Jake from being a pariah for the rest of his time at school for what he did with the Cheer squad.
I didn't actually faint in the chapel. I only pretended to so that he could "save" me and be a hero. I thought maybe it would cancel out everyone being so mad at him. I did it because, even though I was angry at Jake for what he did, he was so miserable, and I felt so sorry for him. He was the first boy I ever met at the school, and I would have gone out with him if he had ever asked, he was so nice.
I didn't have time to figure it all out. It was strictly impulse, I swear it was. But it wasn't my brightest idea. I was already tired and stressed, and I kind of relaxed too much. There's an art to swooning, you know, and I wasn't in shape to be playing around like that.
I hit my head on the ground, I got dizzy, then I lost all control. It was awful. It was like losing rein on a horse. It just carried me away to a place I didn't want to be. Aunt Sylvia read me SUCH a riot act when I told her the truth. She was so angry, and I'm sure you're angry, too. She said everyone thought I was going to die, and what I did was sheer ignorance...and if you knew Aunt Sylvia, that's a deep insult for her to throw at someone, worse than the f-word, or the G-d word.
I wanted you to know something else. You've been the most wonderful boy I've ever met. You are everything I could want in a boyfriend. Strong, talented, and loving. So noble, and so polite. A gentleman through and through, and very, very real to me.
I came back only because of you...which is sort of ironic, seeing as you haven't seen me since I changed back. But I'm mortified, Brandon. Utterly mortified. If there was a thing I could have done to make me seem even more of a freak than I feel I am now, I can't for the life of me ponder on what it could be.
Jake *did* save me, Brandon. He bought me enough time by getting me to the infirmary. But you could have saved me long before that...if I had LET you. I pooh-poohed all your concerns. I didn't want to recognize that you had some legitimate concerns, justifiable concerns, and that was a complete lack of respect for who you are, and where you come from. You had all the experience with this world, and I didn't. I really should have listened, and I'm sorry. I'm SO sorry.
I am better than I was...but I don't look right yet, Brandon. I still have leaves for hair, and my skin is brown and green. You don't want a freak for a girlfriend. I'm not worthy of you. I'm not worthy of anyone right now. I've led a selfish life. I've been selfish since I was a child, and I'm paying for that now. Paying for my vanity and self-centeredness. God is punishing me, and rightfully so.
I'm not coming back to the school, Brandon. I've got all sorts of complications with my physiology that doctors and such are still trying to figure out, and I don't know if that's ever going to be fixed.
I love you, Brandon. I love you enough to let you go and fit in with your life, to find some girl strong enough to run alongside you into danger, or raise a family with you, whatever you choose. You bring out the best in me, yet I didn't honor that the way I should have, and now I've lost you and my future to a dark uncertainty.
Please tell everyone I wish them all the best. Please tell them to study, and learn about who they are and what they can do, and never take the school for granted. There's a purpose to all the training, and all the ethics classes, and the structure it gives to the students who take it in. I refused to accept any of it, and y'all nearly had "Tree for Homecoming" for real.
Do this for me. Do this, and let me go, and maybe, just maybe, we'll meet again.
Love with all my heart,
'Del